why the heck did i frantically look for flight ticket and go home?

i was rushing back to my home yesterday. home in here means 'real home' in medan. and now i'm stuck at the airport waiting for my flight to singapore and after changing enough money to buy mcD, here i am wondering what to do in the next 3 hours before my flight. i didnt sleep well yesterday, i'll probably be a mess tomorrow. duh..

it was actually my trip to bid the last farewell to my grandma. she's been sick for a year. colon cancer. bedridden for a year. and she's been mute for a year too. ermm...my cousin told me that actually to date, it's been 1 year and 11 days to be exact from the day she was sent to the operation room. so she's been fighting her cancer for the past 1 gruesome (to her) year. why gruesome...she was a restless person, walked more than i did in a day, and always talked..even to nobody. so, being bedridden and mute totally takes away her, basically, life. the cancer grew again few months ago. bigger, and eating her alive, literally. her condition had been bad to worse. our family doctor has been telling us this, but all the cousins decided to prolong her life, save her as best as they could. but the time is up. and this time, it's for real.

"1 week, the most" that's what the doctor said. and to make things worse, he told me that it might be less than a week this morning. my grandma body cant take in anymore meds. nothing helps her. she has another tumor/cancer at her left lung now. she has trouble catching her breath. her kidneys stop working (they produce less than 400ml of urine in 3 days) and it means her kidneys cant detoxify anything now. albumin injection doesnt help as her body cells dont really respond to it anymore and now she's swollen, here and there. dialysis might help to detoxify her body, but doctor said that it was going to be painful and she might not be able to take it. so, there's no point and he asked us to just let her go, peacefully. well, he said that my grandma would just stop recognizing everyone, and maybe in coma for a while and just..gone.

that's why my cousins and i were back, to bid our farewell while we still have the chance.

so, this afternoon, before i knocked-off, i was given a private time to have a talk with my grandma (or, it was just me talking and she just listened and blinked her eyes -- which means 'yea, i get it.'). i didnt have anytime to rehearse or to compound anything in order to say to her. and i just started very idiotically by telling her "hey, i miss your fried sweet-potato cake!" and i kept going on with the list of her specialties (food, of course). and how grown up i am now that she didnt need to worry about me anymore. then...i apologized for my wrong doings to her, if any. (then the maid came in interrupting my session and i said, "OUT!!") then i went on...telling her i was glad having her as my grandma. last but not least, thanking her for everything..for giving me my mother and my cousins; and sealed my speech with, "yes, i will miss you, but dont worry, we'll be alright and we love you. i love you."

she waved her hand, bye-ing to me and i was such a man. left the room and rushed to bathroom to, i'm-not-sure-how-long, cry.