3 wives club!

2 days ago, i dreamed that i was sleeping and i dreamed (yes, i dreamed in my dream). in that dream, my grandma visited me. she was in her prime condition. nice hair too! she started everything with, "how is everyone doing?" then we chatted about...i couldnt remember what it was, but it was more on she catching up on us. and she ended it with, "you know what, i know that you'll have 3 wives in future. i know." i woke up in that dreamed and told my mum about it. then i woke up from that dream feeling confused. i laughed it off early in the morning, it was 6am! i told my mum later in the afternoon (this time was not a dream) and my mum said grandma visited me. but i guess, i think she came to my dream because i thought about her last weekend. she's still missed.

i was so haunted for few days last week

so, my grandma passed away last saturday. after her long battle with colon cancer, she was finally in peace and left us for good. actually, after my last visit, her condition was better and according to my family, last friday was actually her best day in the past few months. she was so relaxed and concious. though some supertitious cousins and friends did tell us it might be a sign that she was leaving soon. and they were right. she left us the next day at 5+pm.


i just happened to step out from cinema and saw 3 misscalls from my cousins. i knew it right away that it was going to be bad news and before i had the chance to call back, they called again and delivered the bad news that grandma had just passed away. i was in shock. although i was kinda prepared for it, but still, i was shocked. before i could compose myself, my youngest uncle called and devastatingly told me that his mom passed away and cried out loud for few minutes before he hung up.


i broke down. even more when i called my sis and told her about it.


i flew back the next morning. the atmosphere in the house was so..weird. silence..grief..awkwardness...it was just not right. everyone was still wiping their tears and chocked at times. i myself swallowed so many bitter balls for that. my grandma's body had been sent to the funeral home after 8 hours of chanting by tibetan monks at home. so i drove there with my parents and some of my cousins. when we arrived, i walked nervously from the parking lot to the funeral parlour where my granda was rested and there she was..covered in colorful praying clothing, on the bed.


i broke down when my aunt said to her, "mum, your grandson is here paying respect to you."


she looked just the way she was when she slept. so calm and relax and...in peace. for the next few hours, we were busy picking a casket for her, watching my aunt putting make up on her, moving her from the bed to her casket, praying, listing down names for newspaper and all other necessary arrangements for the funeral. what we basically do for the next 3 days was chanting along with the tibetan monks for 2 hours in the morning, doing this and that in the afternoon, took a short nap at home, going back to the parlour for 1 hour of evening praying session and busy attending to cousins and friends who were very kind to spend their valuable time to drop by to pay respect and show support.


i kept crying at evening praying session. not because i was such a cry-baby. but looking at my grandma's picture..it was so intense that it brought back all the memories with her and i couldnt contain my sadness within. and, my grandma showed up everywhere! she was practically haunting us, in a good way. i could really see her laughing along with us when we joked about her. i could see her sitting on the chair watching us paying respect to her and said to us, "dont cry. it's alright." i could see her smiling when we said how beautiful she was in her sleep. and i could see her cry during the last praying session. it was so clear that i felt i was haunted.


but 'haunted' is not the right word to describe it. the truth is, she is gone, physically. but she lives on, in our hearts. because of all the memories that we have with her and we treasure.


i am damn glad she ever walked into the path of my life.

why the heck did i frantically look for flight ticket and go home?

i was rushing back to my home yesterday. home in here means 'real home' in medan. and now i'm stuck at the airport waiting for my flight to singapore and after changing enough money to buy mcD, here i am wondering what to do in the next 3 hours before my flight. i didnt sleep well yesterday, i'll probably be a mess tomorrow. duh..

it was actually my trip to bid the last farewell to my grandma. she's been sick for a year. colon cancer. bedridden for a year. and she's been mute for a year too. ermm...my cousin told me that actually to date, it's been 1 year and 11 days to be exact from the day she was sent to the operation room. so she's been fighting her cancer for the past 1 gruesome (to her) year. why gruesome...she was a restless person, walked more than i did in a day, and always talked..even to nobody. so, being bedridden and mute totally takes away her, basically, life. the cancer grew again few months ago. bigger, and eating her alive, literally. her condition had been bad to worse. our family doctor has been telling us this, but all the cousins decided to prolong her life, save her as best as they could. but the time is up. and this time, it's for real.

"1 week, the most" that's what the doctor said. and to make things worse, he told me that it might be less than a week this morning. my grandma body cant take in anymore meds. nothing helps her. she has another tumor/cancer at her left lung now. she has trouble catching her breath. her kidneys stop working (they produce less than 400ml of urine in 3 days) and it means her kidneys cant detoxify anything now. albumin injection doesnt help as her body cells dont really respond to it anymore and now she's swollen, here and there. dialysis might help to detoxify her body, but doctor said that it was going to be painful and she might not be able to take it. so, there's no point and he asked us to just let her go, peacefully. well, he said that my grandma would just stop recognizing everyone, and maybe in coma for a while and just..gone.

that's why my cousins and i were back, to bid our farewell while we still have the chance.

so, this afternoon, before i knocked-off, i was given a private time to have a talk with my grandma (or, it was just me talking and she just listened and blinked her eyes -- which means 'yea, i get it.'). i didnt have anytime to rehearse or to compound anything in order to say to her. and i just started very idiotically by telling her "hey, i miss your fried sweet-potato cake!" and i kept going on with the list of her specialties (food, of course). and how grown up i am now that she didnt need to worry about me anymore. then...i apologized for my wrong doings to her, if any. (then the maid came in interrupting my session and i said, "OUT!!") then i went on...telling her i was glad having her as my grandma. last but not least, thanking her for everything..for giving me my mother and my cousins; and sealed my speech with, "yes, i will miss you, but dont worry, we'll be alright and we love you. i love you."

she waved her hand, bye-ing to me and i was such a man. left the room and rushed to bathroom to, i'm-not-sure-how-long, cry.